My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
