fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
