How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
the condom got lost in my hair
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize