Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
