My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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