Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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