i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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