plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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