it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
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