the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
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