note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
