i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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