You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
my being single is dangerous.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
