just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
