I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
