My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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