he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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