you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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