I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
