the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
