dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
