the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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