I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
