I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
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