Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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