just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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