and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
