apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
