I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
