Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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