He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I wish there were birth control emojis
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
