I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
