Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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