and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
