and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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