By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
