I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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