I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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