I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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