I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
