You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She even gives head with a lisp.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
