Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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