She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
