You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Who died my cat blue again?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
