just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize