Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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