I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
