Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
