I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm both gender and math confused
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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