You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
