So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
