My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
