I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
