Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
