dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
