I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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