You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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