I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
